Friday, August 3, 2012

Bitter

Sometimes you think that you are invincilbe, that you are good enough, that you can do all things the way as you planned them to be. DUH!!! Sometimes all you gotta do is to tell yourself that you are OK, that you are fine, that things are good in spite of the setback and all unfortunate events - and sometimes you just tell yourself that there will always be a "next time" or there are a thousand se
cond chances that will come your way. Sometimes you just try to convince yourself that you are still good, that there are indeed unfortunate things that happen - darn. It is kinda really hard to admit that you are not really good enough, that you are not that good as what your mind tells you, and you just kinda blame unfortunate things that happen for your misfortune.
I tried to tell myself that I am good, I am ready, I can go home happy with a medal. But I failed. Yep, finished 21K in 3:05:xx. Hey good news - I finished the race. Yehey! But to my dismay, I just finished the race. No flying colors for me. Yep, I am disappointed, I am sad, I feel the gloom of the weather ... and I just hate it.
I blamed it on 100 plus, I blamed it on the upset stomach, I blamed it on the cramps. Darn - I guess it is time to admit it that I am not good at this.
I guess this morning's event was my 2nd 21K over 3 hours, after some oh-so-close encounters to 2:30:xx. I was really hoping to make it this time, but I was really, really disappointed.
Nope, I am not blaming anyone, I am not comparing myself to anyone, I am just looking at all of the things that I have done all throughout my 21K stints. Somehow, I gained confidence in those close encounters to 2:30:xx, but after today, I guess my confidence all goes back to square 1.
I envied those who ran past me all those times that I was on my more-walking-more-fun-moments this morning. I envied those 42K runners who mananged to keep their feet going. I envied those who had medals and lootbags. Sigh. I am just so ---- bitter.
In any case, this experience humbled me and made me reorganize my (running) goals. I am not good, I am a quitter, and I am not prepared. I have a full year ahead of me - to come back and hopefully next time, I will make it.
Congrats to the finishers. Congrats to me - coz I finished the race - Yey. 

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